Transition

He could not see the ground. No horizon visible other than that of metal against sky, grey against brown. There was scarcely any motion to be seen - save for a few pleasure-crafts lazed against the sky - but all the busy traffic of billions of men were going on, he knew, beneath the metal skin of the world.

Modified from Foundation by Isaac Asimov

I’m on a plane right now with this particular book in hand. To be honest I didn’t finish it because it got too boring and confusing, but I tried :p Actually, the flight destination is back to my hometown 郑州 in China, and I told none of my relatives I was coming. So 姥姥， 老爷 and 金刚 will be in for a big surprise. I’ve never surprised someone like this before, so I’m quite excited to see how they’ll react. Hopefully 姥姥 doesn’t get too shocked.

An idea just popped into my head of dressing as the deliveryman and seeing if 姥姥，老爷 will recognize me. That will be so funny! And what a wonderful start to the new year.

I just now recalled a very sweet memory of a recent conversation, that reminded me I am in a transitionary phase. Here’s a loose recollection:

• Z (Me): “Personally I don’t see the point of taking angpaos.”
• A: “Whattt but why would you say that?”
• Z: “I mean your relatives give some money to you, then your parents give the same amount, or even more, to your relatives’ kids. So end up is just your parents transfer money to you. Then what’s the point? Might as well don’t take angpaos, then my parents don’t need to waste money giving to me.”

I actually didn't reallyyy think this, because I knew that it's the thought that counts (like your relatives want to give you something), but I still felt bad about taking money from my parents. I always had this thought from a very young age; I don't know why.

• N: “Okay lah then next time you have kids we don’t give anything to them”
• M: “Eh I don’t care ah next time you see our kids you better give them angpao ah and they better take mine”
• Z：“okay okay"

I thought it was so sweet that one day my kids and my friends’ kids would meet during Chinese New Year, and I (unc) would be handing them angpaos and my friends would hand angpaos to mine =D I can’t stop smiling and laughing inside at the thought of us being the annoying uncles and aunties one day. That scene seems so different from now.

But maybe it really isn’t. University has just zoomed by, and I’m now in my third year with one more year to go. Many of my best friends will graduate soon, and I won’t be seeing many of them next academic year. I think I’ve experienced this before, but this time it does feel a little different. Like more real? That we are no longer are protected by the school environment and will become “proper” adults? And how I can’t afford to screw around and actually need to start paying the bills and stuff idk. I can totally understand why some people do a PhD for this reason. I would too, but that’s more musings for another day. And how back in Singapore I bet many of my friends have already found a life partner and probably have applied to BTO. Idk wtf I’m going to do. Idk if I’ll apply for a BTO, but my ass is certainly too single to be thinking about that shit. I know life is not a sprint; I know I’ll find someone eventually; I know it’ll all be fine eventually. Everybody goes through this quarter-life crises phase, and I’m sure its normal. But I can’t help feeling abit panicked and lonely in this. I think though, as I grow older I’ve learnt more about what’s actually important so I know I’ll be fine.

Edit (January 1st 2026):

I think the surprise visit worked! I think I brought a lot of laughter and joy to my entire family. My heart is full. On a side note, I was taking a big fat shit when New Years happened so welp that isn’t the best…